The Day For Flowers

Tomrrow is Hana's last day of 2nd Grade. The end of each of school year for Hana has been somewhat of a sobering time for me as a father. I'm not sure why it is other than it reminds me how fast time passes, and my daughter is growing way too fast. I am also learning not to cling too much to the past, as wondeful as it may have been, and not to worry about the future, but to cherish and embrace the moment at hand. My love for Hana has grown the last few months, especially to see how she has accepted our plans to be away for a year. For the most part, she has shown us a lot of strength and composure for a young 8-year girl, who otherwise is quite sensitive, shy, and oftentimes timid. She has taught us many valuable lessons along the way, such as how to have a child-like trust and quiet joy in the midst of an uncertain future.

I share a beautiful memory from this last school year and it happened right before we told Hana about our plans. I will cherish what it meant to me as Hana's father...Below is my journal entry from March 21, 2008

"Dear Jesus, calm my spirit, dear Lord. Calm my anxiety and fear that I am feeling about telling Hana of our plans for the Philippines. For all the time I have thought and prayed about serving for IJM, I have never felt what I am feeling right now. For all that talk about me raising a daughter of great courage, I am now afraid of her tears. I am afraid of her fear. I am afraid of her sadness. I am afraid of her anger. Is this what a strong and loving father is supposed to be like? I wonder if you, Our Heavenly Father, are ever "afraid" for us. I wonder how much you want to protect us and care for us.

I want everything to be okay for Hana - to tell her that everything is going to be okay...just like it was yesterday when she was carrying flowers - a small bouquet of dafodils - for her teacher's birthday. As we were walking from the car to the school, Hana asked me to hold the flowers..I think she was nervous about carrying them and perhaps fearful that she was going to be the only one with flowers.

"Are you sure, Papa, it's today?"
"How do you know, Papa?" she asked.

I tried to reassure her that today was the day and told her that I would not carry the flowers for her teacher....But then I started to doubt..I was looking for any of her classmates, wanting to make sure that Hana would not be the only one...And for a few moments, I was getting a bit nervous and uncertain. (Hana looks and worries - just like her daddy). I walked a bit faster ahead of Hana as we approached the classroom...wanting to see if today was the day for flowers...

And as I turned the corner, I saw children - many children holding beautiful flowers. Lots of flowers. Even the boys were carrying flowers, a few of them using them as weapons while shouting "Flower Fight!" I felt immediate relief and joy...I turned around and saw my daughter with a huge smile. With assurance, she knew today was the day for flowers.

"See, I told you so..." I said. Hana was happy. I will always remember that smile and was grateful to see her at peace....

Oh, Jesus - that is what I want for her in all this. For her to know that she has a a Heavenly Father - who is beyond the shadow of any and all doubt - desires to assure her. I want her to hear your voice, saying "Dont worry, my child - today is the day for beautiful things. Just wait and see." And when doubt does creep inside of her, and she wants to look ahead to see what is around the corner of tomorrows, I want her to see that you are there already - waiting for her to smile as she sees the beauty of your promises, your faithfulness, your wisdom. And as you tell her "See, I told you so..." she will look at you with the love and trust that you beg from each of one us.

Thank you Father God, for being that kind of papa. Help me be this kind of father.