My Heart is Frightening

TGIF! This week has been one of those weeks in which the dark cloud cover of busyness and burden hovered over our family. It started with Hana running away (as far as the front gate) and that drama, although short-lived, created a delay long enough to keep us from church. Then, I had to hit the floor running this first week back in the office. This month will be busy for me and the Project, which culmintate in a written report outlining the job readiness model I developed and a stakeholders meeting in which we will exchange ideas. A couple days ago, Megumi asked me a question that made me nervous "Aside from when you were feeling homesick, have you wanted to go back home?" I told her no and I then asked "why?" She admitted for about one minute earlier that day she wanted to pack everything up and go - all this while the kids were battling it out with each other. Also, the news of an local prosecutor attorney ambushed and killed here in Cebu City by two assailants riding on a motorcycle raised some anxiety in the office about our personal safety since it is suspected that it may have been work-related.

And then there was this morning.

I borrowed some music - Best of Passion Worship 2-CD disk set from a co-worker, and I was listening to it on the way to work this morning. I loved the songs and artists on this set - Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, David Crowder - my heart soared to praise as I was sitting in the taxi going into the office - almost to tears. As the taxi arrived right in front of the office building, I took out a 100 peso bill (about $2) to pay for the 85 peso taxi fare. I took off my earbuds from my iPod shuffle only to hear the taxi driver say that he had no change. He didn't even bother to look for the 15 pesos he owed me. I was incredulous. I stared at him and his only response was "Thank-you." With a shake of my head, I jumped out of the taxi and slammed the door.

It is frightening how fast my heart turned from praise to rage - it took about 3 seconds. Over 33 cents.

I usually say exchange greetings with the cafe people and the security guard going into the building, but this morning I don't even remember doing that. I hate to think what my face looked like.

By the time I got into the elevator, the Spirit slammed me. The only thing I could murmur to myself was "Lord have mercy on me a sinner."

The song I was listenening to right before I was ready to go postal was Chris Tomlin's We Fall Down, reminding me that every day, every moment, we must throw ourselves upon His mercy and love. Our hearts are trash and we need Him every second. Megumi told me that during that mid-week crisis when she wanted to pack it up, she prayed to her Heavenly Father to help her through the moment. Despite her desire to escape, she threw herself at His feet. Her heart turned from anger and despair to praise within seconds. I'm glad someone in this family knows how to abide and rest in Him.